Bum Reviews: Frozen
by H.R.C. Stanley
Summary: Do You Want to Build a-SPOILERS!


Announcer:

And now it's time for _Bum Reviews_ with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: _Frozen_.

*Cut to Chernabog instead, staring into the camera with a typical unhappy look on his face*

Chernabog: *loudly* I'm. Annoyed!

I'm not pleased. At all.

I heard that Walt Disney Feature Animation were finally perfecting their vision of Hans Christian Andersen's _The Snow Queen_.

You're able to imagine how filled with excitement I was when I heard that the Snow Queen was going to be the villain, adding another recruit to my army to take over the Disneyverse.

Well, guess who wasn't the villain? *pauses* The Snow Queen!

Instead, what character did they make up for the antagonistic role?

Some prince who's about as interesting as the ones from _Snow White_, _Cinderella_ &amp; _Sleeping Beauty_, as well as Joe Smithee from _Pocahontas_!

I found this especially surprising when I discovered who the executive producer was, John Lasseter.

A man so obsessed with computers that every film he either directs and/or produces always has to be animated by such!

*mumbles* I bet he's even married to one too.

Keeping in mind this information, how is it they didn't let the Snow Queen take up the villainous role?!

Not to mention, did you even see the concept drawings and original designs?

*Shows concept drawings of the Snow Queen*

These are all-natural and perfect designs for such a beautiful yet menancing character!

The clothings in these drawings do well at showing off her perfection.

The Snow Queen- oh I'm sorry, *air quotes* "Elsa", in this film looks like she's dressing up for a _Britain's Next Top Model_ Christmas special!

*Shows a still of Elsa from the film itself*

Because of this, I've decided to completely sabotage this film.

You heard me right, sabotage.

That's why I assure you that this Disney animated feature will be one of the worst animated features Disney has ever made and you'll ever see.

Not _Chicken Little_ bad, that's a kind of miracle I can't do.

But still, this one will be pretty bad.

For example, I brainwashed John Lasseter into thinking that all traditionally-animated films are terrible, and thus, turning the film into a computer-animated one.

Making him the desperate, promise-breaking, money-grubbing pig-dog he is now!

On top of that, using Ursula's incredible sucking powers...

Get your cursor out of that comment box!

I managed to completely suck away all of the characters' personalities!

So despite their lively voice acting, brightly colourful designs and interesting interactions, there's little room left for actual personality whatsoever!

Anna? Bland.

Elsa the Not-Snow Queen? Bland.

Kristoff? Bland.

His pet reindeer whose name I can't pronouce properly because it beings with a SV? Bland.

Olaf the Snowman? Bland.

Hans and the Duke of Weaseltom? *pauses and thinks* ...You know, I didn't have to do that to them.

On top of that, I also managed to get Shan Yu to catch up with the film's editor.

Using his incredible muscles, which he calls "Shucles" - I don't own the Shucles, they belong to Shan Yu.

He managed to beat the editor's brains out so severely that he's got short-term memory loss!

Because of this, he completely forgot what scene and song to keep in the film and what ones to take out.

When Kristoff and his pet reindeer gaze at the stars, we suddenly switch to Elsa and Anna.

When Kristoff spies on the trolls and Elsa's parents, he's suddenly adopted.

Whenever Elsa's about to talk to her parents, they'll suddenly be dead.

Yeah, dead parents in a Disney animated feature? Well that's original!

And, whenever there's a moment that's about to develop any character whatsoever, *snaps fingers* musical number!

Freezing hearts, how to build a snowman, first time forever, open door of love, letting go, don't let go!

It'd bounce around so much so much you'll make more of an emotional connection to the person sitting in front of you!

On top of that, I ordered McLeash, Gaston, Clayton &amp; Rico to secretly assassinate the original writers of this film.

Thus forcing them to instead get the creators of _The Lion King_, _Tangled_ and _Wreck-It Ralph_... *pauses* ...Who've done nothing but tried to recreate _The Lion King_, _Tangled_ and _Wreck-It Ralph_!

I recall the same thing happened to those two _Aladdin_ writers.

Thus, the film's absolutely convinced that it's trying to tell the stories of those three films I mentioned all over again.

Except I was even more devious.

Every time the writers would finish a scene that they put together, I immediately altered their memories!

Yes, you notice how Elsa keeps going from having no control over her powers and knowing nothing about them to immediately having complete control and knowing everything about it and back again and so fourth throughout this entire film? And that she doesn't do anything aside from causing problems, making them worse, harming those around her and refusing to fix her own problems?

And of course, how the studio and many people keep going on and on about how this film is original and has never anything they've done before yet it isn't really original and has done a lot of things they did before? Like the princess born with magical powers locked away throughout childhood, the parent or parents getting killed off early, the love-at-first-sight scenario, a comic relief that's either an animal or a supernatural being, being based on a fairy tale or some kind of source material, and a life saved by true love in the end.

That's because they kept forgetting about any kind of consistency!

And that they forgot they've done those cliches before!

There's another example of that at the very end.

Oh, by the way, I would say spoilers at this point, but I don't need to, everybody has seen it.

Where Elsa the fake Snow Queen is trapped in the middle of the frozen lake and Hans prepares to kill her with his sword.

The way it's set up he could stab her or slice her head off right there, there's about 5 different ways to do so.

And Anna stops him and eventually turns to complete ice!

Of course, how human skin and clothing can turn to perfectly frozen water is beyond me, but it's probably the Disney-logic.

But anyway, Elsa cries in sorrow that she actually took a life.

You think this would obviously torture her and stay with her for the rest of her life-

Anna thaws and comes back to life seconds later!

That's right! Coming back to life by true love? As if it hasn't been done before!

Because in the writers' mind, it hasn't been done before.

*chuckles* Yes, I'm a mean one indeed.

Of course some of you might be wondering how could I easily alter their memories?

Well, you know that memory-altering power the trolls in the film happened to have? *pauses* ...Let's just leave it at that.

So now you know what happens when you don't have the Snow Queen as your villain.

I will ruin your motion picture forever and make it animated poison!

And I know that for some of you the film was absolutely destroyed.

And most... ...argue those changes actually made it better for some reason.

Which is very reassuring to me. It shows you mortal humans shall be much easier to take over than I originally intended.

Next you'll be telling me you like _Planes_.

As for me, I think I've destroyed any credibility that both Walt Disney &amp; Pixar used to have.

The time has come to move to DreamWorks and see if I can get a role or perhaps a cameo in _Kung Fu Panda 3_.

Until then, I'M CHERNAB-

Chester: *interrupts and sings off-screen* I just got back watching _Frozen_ tonight.

Chernabog: I was never here, don't make me alter your memories! *disappears through flames*

Chester: *comes in and speaks* So, anyway, OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my li- (Starts fading to black) Wait, what are you doing? Where are you going? Hey, hey, come back! Come back here!

(During end title card) Hey, wait a minute! I was just getting started! And why is the carpet burnt? Did I leave my lighter on again?!

* * *

**APRIL FOOLS!**

**Seriously though, while I see why many people enjoy this film (including Doug Walker), I personally thought the film was a little bit overrated. If anyone notices any "misspelling" of names or anything, it's only for the sake of humour, or as I would like to call it, text humour.**

**Written by H.R.C. Stanley**

**Originally written by Doug Walker**

**Inspired by Zod's review of _Man of Steel_**

**I don't own _Bum Reviews_ or _Frozen_ or Chernabog. _Bum Reviews_ belong to Doug Walker and Channel Awesome. _Frozen_ and Chernabog belong to Disney.  
**

**Happy April Fools' Day**


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